What Have I Learned Up To Today

I have learned that everyone has something to give!

I have learned that making someone smile is priceless!

I have learned that I am a "lovey".

I also know that a dog that has rolled on a dead animal days ago still needs a bath even after being cleaned with a wash cloth. Skylar still stinks!

I have learned that I have hope, not just for myself, but for others!

I have learned that it is ultimately up to me to do something. (that one sucks)

I have learned that including someone is the true sign of being a friend.

I have learned that "Paying it Forward" is much better than just "Paying it Back"!!!!

I have learned that life is precious, all life. (That simple)

I have learned that an insult is not forgiven by a compliment.

I have learned to ASK.

And Most Important.

LOVE!

What do People Really Think

I am one of those who thinks that everyone is thinking about me at all times. (Yes, i am an egomaniac.) Too bad i think that everyone is think about me in a negative way. I do not think that about others, i honestly only see the good in others and never really think about their faults. Now why does everyone persecute me in their minds, but not me. Do you go around thinking negatively about others, probably not. How did i get this idea in my head?

My self esteem is not very high. You might mind it under a rock or in a hole, but not atop a mountain. Most people are so self absorbed that they rarely think about others, especially ones that they do not know. My opinions, and probably yours too, do not revolve around others. If i am not talking to someone in class i do not even think that they are there. I do not revolve my life around making their thoughts all about me and making all their thoughts good. People are selfish and mainly think about themselves, just as we are thinking about ourselves as we are thinking about what others are thinking about us.

We all need to be the best person we can be, and realize we are all human and make mistakes. We all need to lower our hair and be who we are. Even Jesus had enemies.

I want to apologize for the infrequent blogs. But this revelation will be worth it. It is a duet of fixing things. A self question and a foot step down the journey of peace.

What are your passions? What things make you live?

Kids, pets, spouse, friends?

As the pictures of "The Girls" show, you can't say the Catahulla isn't cute, and the lab, well, she is special, like her dad. A little crazy and skiddish, but just as big a lover as anything. My friends, words can't describe how wonderful these people are. They have carried me through hell, lifted me out of the holes I've dug, and wiped my tears. And for my son, who gave me the life I have to give back to my friends and the world.

These are the reasons I fight. These are the reasons I now can live. I have found a purpose to my life. The unconditional love I have for my son, I am trying to give to the world by giving it to everyone I meet. I hope that I am doing that. I hope that I am a loving example, like my friends have been.

What is your inspiration for life? Standing in a window and feeling the sun on your face, smiling at a dog with it's head out of the window of a car, seeing a child play?

We each need to find what gives us life, what makes us live. We then can start doing things we need to do because we have a reason to keep fighting.

Allies

Someone or something on your side. Sounds fairly straight forward, but in the world of people with depression, it isn't. (I am going to make this as positive as possible, but I am kinda jaded on this subject, as well are most of you.) We look for people to help us and support us in a very hard time. We look for others not to judge and not to condemn us for what we have little control over.

The relationship I have with my father is not good, not social, not cordial, it is just shitty. He tries to control almost every aspect of my life even though he has no control over it. Nothing I say or do is correct. Example: He asked me an electrical question the other day, I work on electronics on airplanes so I might know something, but my answer was wrong!?! Why ask a question that you know the answer to? Anyway, that is a more social experience with him.

I realize that friends do want to help us, but they usually lack the understanding of the situation or condition. I am thankful that until recently, I did not have anyone to talk to about this because they lived it. I do not want anyone to suffer like I have. (But I would rather suffer than talk to my father about anything). As I found out, by loosing all of my friends at times, is that people can not accept what this is and do not know how to process it. I have even had one friend say that they did not believe in psychology and that I should stop feeling this way. Utter misery, that is the mood I was going for. I enjoy feeling like shit each and every day.

The best advice I have on friends and family, is be understanding that they haven't gone through this and can not fully understand what we are feeling. We each need to find someone that can say that they have to take a break. Caution, this is not always the case. Sometimes they pass that point in trying to help, and hurt themselves. The discussion boards are probably the best way for us to express ourselves and get support from others who understand. I know that this is a major issue in our lives, having someone to trust and help us when we fall.

And on a personal note, it is a great joy for me to help the people that I am, but I know my limitations. Do not help someone so much you are brought down too, then two not one needlessly suffer.

Undeceided

I have been thinking about this post for several days, and well I am no closer to how this is going to turn out then before I thought about the post. This post deals with me opening up to you about me, Dave, just Dave. If you have read any of the prior blogs you might be saying what the hell do you have left to say. How much more shitty was your life? Well, I have said many things about my past. I have not really said anything about my current situation. I have told you many things that I have overcome and dealt with. Well here I go, I am going to try to explain the mind of someone in remission for depression and anxiety.

I have a slight reluctance of going into all of the details, but I have never not been honest on my blogs. I am not going to start now.

For some reason I have started feeling slightly blue. I know that the Neurostar is not usually 100% and maintenance treatments are going to be required, but four months of bliss are well worth it. Also, I will be honest to all, I haven't been perfect with taking my meds exactly as prescribed. By no means am I like I was two years ago when I tried to see if I could end my life. I am just slightly "blue". I am working very hard with the "self talk" when some thought or thoughts come in and try to undermine my wellbeing.

I have been keeping a journal. When something hurts me or causes me to get depressed, I write it down and try to find the cause and effect. "I was ignored while in the line, or skipped over, by the employee who talked to his friend"; "My selfesteem was hurt and I felt like I was unimportant." "I am still hurting because my friend has not talked to me in a few weeks" "They are busy with other things. They have other friends too". I also, don't go out with friends to large places with dance music, because I can't dance, or am just too scared to try. These feelings have gone down almost completely, but they still rear their ugly head every now and again.

What does help me, now that I can, is getting out in public. I do not and can not go everywhere. The social anxiety is still present, but there are a few places that I feel safe. The coffee shop that I am at, a few bars and restaurants that are small and the mtry). I keep the external stimuli low. I am worried about being able to pay for all of my medical bills because I just lost my insurance. I am really loosing hope on my situation when I sit down and look at it. I do not handle stress well, and like most of us push stressors away i.e. bills, obligations like folding clothes, and going out at times with friends. I know that you do these things too, to some degree or other.

What helps me greatly is helping other people. Like I have mentioned many times before, I am very blessed to have something that makes me feel like I can give back. It is nice to feed the homeless with my own money when I can and talk to them. It makes them feel more human. One day when I was down, I feed a man named Larry. I have fed him once before. He asked me what was wrong and talked to me trying to cheer me up. (I felt so humble, it brought tears to my eyes as I left). It does work both ways. And, the help that I give, is not like feeding the homeless with the little money I have. I can see the joy that brings, because I talk to them as we eat. I want each person that I help to "Pay it Forward". I appreciate the thanks, but I do not want it to end with the two of us, but for the Love to be passed on three fold. Please, show the love I have for the World, and all whom read this, Pay it Forward to others. Each of you was a stranger to me at first, but you trusted me, and I you. We grew in that trust and friendship. Each of you has so much to offer. I pray every night that each day I leave the World a better place by the end of the day than it was when I woke.

I do have some friends that I have not talked to since I began these blogs and school. I hope that they read this and know that they are always in my heart and I love them. I want the world to be free of pain and suffering that is needless. I see all the suffering each of you is going through and the despair that consumes you life. If I could take it from you I would. I see no purpose in this type of suffering and pray that each of you find stregnth in my post and hope that the pain will end soon and the joy of living will fill your hearts.

Trust

Trust is a funny word and an ambiguous definition: to have confidence or faith in. Well the confidence is kinda straight forward. "I think you will do it." ok, we got that one. What the hell is Faith? I have a view of what it is, and I am sure some of you do also. I think that it has to do with my mission to save the world one person at a time, lets see, three people at a time for about nine months each 12 people every three years,... around 3423.2AD, only if there are no more babies. I can pull this off. No Worries.

I know that trust does not come easy to us. We have been burned too many times, we have been hurt, we have been left, disowned, abused, and looked down on. Yet, when we meet someone that has also suffered as we have we seem to trust a little more. We open up to people we don't know because we have lost all hope and desire to go on. Been there, done that, got not just the tee shirt, but the wardrobe in all the colors. I never learned from my mistakes and trusted the wrong people. I trusted the "normal" people who did not have depression and thought it was all in my head and the meds I was taking F@(%ed me up. I learned that not even my family could be trusted and I pulled away, far away. I am still there to some extent.

We reach out so much, because we are hoping to find someone that understands what we are going through and just someone to lean on. I have looked for that shoulder to cry on so many times that I could, well I did it alot. I had relationships with people that "were not good for me". I thought that my meds would work better with pot, or coke, or alcohol. Nope, that was no the correct choice again. I was getting good at finding the wrong things to do, a pro at erroring.

I am not going to lie that we need someone that we can trust. Someone, not a bottle, plant, or powder, or anything else that we choose. (Cutting counts too.) I know that we all want to jump into the trusting relationship, and that will probably fail in a downward spiral of flames, smoke, and pieces falling off until we hit the ground again and get the energy to go flying again if we ever do. I know patience was NOT a virtue I had, I have learned to slow down and take things one day at a time and just wait.

Summing this ramble up, trust, and trust fully, but do not trust all at once. Trusting all at once is overwhelming to people. I know a lot of us have social anxiety disorder. Get therapy, read books, work with friends on how to react and interact. Have an escape rout out. Work on healing from within. And something that will need much more elaboration, trust yourself that you will get better. There will be setbacks, but, and here is the important part, you have to want to get better. You have to use the energy that you have in you to want to change and work on one thing at a time. Once you want to get better and go with the tide the rest is easier and will come with time.

Unsetbacks

I think that a lot of people need some inspiration about the tide. Some aren't quite getting the idea that fighting the world is going to win.

Example #1

When I had a close encounter with the counter the other night, I knew that I was hurt. I am hurt worse than I thought, but after my dog helped me wake up, I realized that I could not fix the situation. Stop the bleeding. I stumbled to the bathroom and got a washcloth wet it and applied pressure. I did not worry about the mess or how bad it could be, but first I needed to get stable and get my sense about me. When I got to the point of sanity (or as close as I get) I was able to help myself and the situation.

Example #2

If you have a large load to move, lets say twenty books, you don't pick them all up at once. You take trips. You don't fight the load, you work it out. If you have something like a dolly that can handle the load you use it. Meds. Work with the problems, any problems in your life.

Everyone is in this tide with us, even the "normal" ones. We are just a little farther out to sea. That can be better. We are not in the surf hitting the rocks occasionally. (That is when "normal" people freak out. We have had time to look at ourselves. Now I know each of you are saying, "My life sucks, I can't take this shit any longer!" I understand all too well. I fought for over two decades. Please, don't give up on yourself! There is a wonderful view that you are missing!

When I stopped fighting the tide, on my meds and much therapy, I stopped one day and looked up. In the mist of the waves that I was floating on I saw the most amazing site. The stars, from where we are are so bright and you can see everything on the moon. Each star has a color and the planets are gorgeous. The people at the shore are hindered by the lights of the city and man made things. We see ourselves better than and person who has not had this journey can.

It is scary to stop fighting the tide. Your first thought is I am going to drown. I didn't say stop swimming just stop using so much energy and tread water. This is the point that you say, "I AM GOING TO WORK ON MY LIFE!" Tell the doctors if the meds aren't working, write down the symptoms that you haven't told them. You must find the energy to get proactive in you life. Take the first step towards getting help. A first step can be cleaning a room of the house, walking outside to the corner and back, texting on the discussion board that helps someone. The only problem, is you must make the first step in the stopping of the fight. Each of us can do this. I did, and if you post a comment, I PROMISE to answer each one and help EVERYONE I CAN. I do not want anyone to suffer as I did.

Remember, that the tide doesn't just flow out, when if comes in and the energy increases jump on it. Keep a journal of your progress. I have looked back at mine and have seen just how much I have suffered. I don't want anyone to suffer like that.