Undeceided

I have been thinking about this post for several days, and well I am no closer to how this is going to turn out then before I thought about the post. This post deals with me opening up to you about me, Dave, just Dave. If you have read any of the prior blogs you might be saying what the hell do you have left to say. How much more shitty was your life? Well, I have said many things about my past. I have not really said anything about my current situation. I have told you many things that I have overcome and dealt with. Well here I go, I am going to try to explain the mind of someone in remission for depression and anxiety.

I have a slight reluctance of going into all of the details, but I have never not been honest on my blogs. I am not going to start now.

For some reason I have started feeling slightly blue. I know that the Neurostar is not usually 100% and maintenance treatments are going to be required, but four months of bliss are well worth it. Also, I will be honest to all, I haven't been perfect with taking my meds exactly as prescribed. By no means am I like I was two years ago when I tried to see if I could end my life. I am just slightly "blue". I am working very hard with the "self talk" when some thought or thoughts come in and try to undermine my wellbeing.

I have been keeping a journal. When something hurts me or causes me to get depressed, I write it down and try to find the cause and effect. "I was ignored while in the line, or skipped over, by the employee who talked to his friend"; "My selfesteem was hurt and I felt like I was unimportant." "I am still hurting because my friend has not talked to me in a few weeks" "They are busy with other things. They have other friends too". I also, don't go out with friends to large places with dance music, because I can't dance, or am just too scared to try. These feelings have gone down almost completely, but they still rear their ugly head every now and again.

What does help me, now that I can, is getting out in public. I do not and can not go everywhere. The social anxiety is still present, but there are a few places that I feel safe. The coffee shop that I am at, a few bars and restaurants that are small and the mtry). I keep the external stimuli low. I am worried about being able to pay for all of my medical bills because I just lost my insurance. I am really loosing hope on my situation when I sit down and look at it. I do not handle stress well, and like most of us push stressors away i.e. bills, obligations like folding clothes, and going out at times with friends. I know that you do these things too, to some degree or other.

What helps me greatly is helping other people. Like I have mentioned many times before, I am very blessed to have something that makes me feel like I can give back. It is nice to feed the homeless with my own money when I can and talk to them. It makes them feel more human. One day when I was down, I feed a man named Larry. I have fed him once before. He asked me what was wrong and talked to me trying to cheer me up. (I felt so humble, it brought tears to my eyes as I left). It does work both ways. And, the help that I give, is not like feeding the homeless with the little money I have. I can see the joy that brings, because I talk to them as we eat. I want each person that I help to "Pay it Forward". I appreciate the thanks, but I do not want it to end with the two of us, but for the Love to be passed on three fold. Please, show the love I have for the World, and all whom read this, Pay it Forward to others. Each of you was a stranger to me at first, but you trusted me, and I you. We grew in that trust and friendship. Each of you has so much to offer. I pray every night that each day I leave the World a better place by the end of the day than it was when I woke.

I do have some friends that I have not talked to since I began these blogs and school. I hope that they read this and know that they are always in my heart and I love them. I want the world to be free of pain and suffering that is needless. I see all the suffering each of you is going through and the despair that consumes you life. If I could take it from you I would. I see no purpose in this type of suffering and pray that each of you find stregnth in my post and hope that the pain will end soon and the joy of living will fill your hearts.

Trust

Trust is a funny word and an ambiguous definition: to have confidence or faith in. Well the confidence is kinda straight forward. "I think you will do it." ok, we got that one. What the hell is Faith? I have a view of what it is, and I am sure some of you do also. I think that it has to do with my mission to save the world one person at a time, lets see, three people at a time for about nine months each 12 people every three years,... around 3423.2AD, only if there are no more babies. I can pull this off. No Worries.

I know that trust does not come easy to us. We have been burned too many times, we have been hurt, we have been left, disowned, abused, and looked down on. Yet, when we meet someone that has also suffered as we have we seem to trust a little more. We open up to people we don't know because we have lost all hope and desire to go on. Been there, done that, got not just the tee shirt, but the wardrobe in all the colors. I never learned from my mistakes and trusted the wrong people. I trusted the "normal" people who did not have depression and thought it was all in my head and the meds I was taking F@(%ed me up. I learned that not even my family could be trusted and I pulled away, far away. I am still there to some extent.

We reach out so much, because we are hoping to find someone that understands what we are going through and just someone to lean on. I have looked for that shoulder to cry on so many times that I could, well I did it alot. I had relationships with people that "were not good for me". I thought that my meds would work better with pot, or coke, or alcohol. Nope, that was no the correct choice again. I was getting good at finding the wrong things to do, a pro at erroring.

I am not going to lie that we need someone that we can trust. Someone, not a bottle, plant, or powder, or anything else that we choose. (Cutting counts too.) I know that we all want to jump into the trusting relationship, and that will probably fail in a downward spiral of flames, smoke, and pieces falling off until we hit the ground again and get the energy to go flying again if we ever do. I know patience was NOT a virtue I had, I have learned to slow down and take things one day at a time and just wait.

Summing this ramble up, trust, and trust fully, but do not trust all at once. Trusting all at once is overwhelming to people. I know a lot of us have social anxiety disorder. Get therapy, read books, work with friends on how to react and interact. Have an escape rout out. Work on healing from within. And something that will need much more elaboration, trust yourself that you will get better. There will be setbacks, but, and here is the important part, you have to want to get better. You have to use the energy that you have in you to want to change and work on one thing at a time. Once you want to get better and go with the tide the rest is easier and will come with time.

Unsetbacks

I think that a lot of people need some inspiration about the tide. Some aren't quite getting the idea that fighting the world is going to win.

Example #1

When I had a close encounter with the counter the other night, I knew that I was hurt. I am hurt worse than I thought, but after my dog helped me wake up, I realized that I could not fix the situation. Stop the bleeding. I stumbled to the bathroom and got a washcloth wet it and applied pressure. I did not worry about the mess or how bad it could be, but first I needed to get stable and get my sense about me. When I got to the point of sanity (or as close as I get) I was able to help myself and the situation.

Example #2

If you have a large load to move, lets say twenty books, you don't pick them all up at once. You take trips. You don't fight the load, you work it out. If you have something like a dolly that can handle the load you use it. Meds. Work with the problems, any problems in your life.

Everyone is in this tide with us, even the "normal" ones. We are just a little farther out to sea. That can be better. We are not in the surf hitting the rocks occasionally. (That is when "normal" people freak out. We have had time to look at ourselves. Now I know each of you are saying, "My life sucks, I can't take this shit any longer!" I understand all too well. I fought for over two decades. Please, don't give up on yourself! There is a wonderful view that you are missing!

When I stopped fighting the tide, on my meds and much therapy, I stopped one day and looked up. In the mist of the waves that I was floating on I saw the most amazing site. The stars, from where we are are so bright and you can see everything on the moon. Each star has a color and the planets are gorgeous. The people at the shore are hindered by the lights of the city and man made things. We see ourselves better than and person who has not had this journey can.

It is scary to stop fighting the tide. Your first thought is I am going to drown. I didn't say stop swimming just stop using so much energy and tread water. This is the point that you say, "I AM GOING TO WORK ON MY LIFE!" Tell the doctors if the meds aren't working, write down the symptoms that you haven't told them. You must find the energy to get proactive in you life. Take the first step towards getting help. A first step can be cleaning a room of the house, walking outside to the corner and back, texting on the discussion board that helps someone. The only problem, is you must make the first step in the stopping of the fight. Each of us can do this. I did, and if you post a comment, I PROMISE to answer each one and help EVERYONE I CAN. I do not want anyone to suffer as I did.

Remember, that the tide doesn't just flow out, when if comes in and the energy increases jump on it. Keep a journal of your progress. I have looked back at mine and have seen just how much I have suffered. I don't want anyone to suffer like that.

Small Set Backs

I met someone great recently and we talked about so much, we seemed to have a liking to each other, but something with both of us didn't seem to click. The conversation was wonderful, and we both learned a lot from the other on how they handle problems, and I now have some new ammo for my fight with depression, I hope that I gave them some too.

Alas, it did not work.

I was really hoping that I was going to start having a closer relationship with someone and be able to help them in some was, but I was not going to happen. Their "monsters that they are fighting" are very hard for them, and secretly I know that now is not at good time for me to start a relationship that intense because I still have the "monsters" of my own.

I am glad that we are going to be friends, that is greater than a relationship, because there are no pretenses. I learned from my mistakes of being "too intense" which is a plus too. But I am very happy that I have a new friend that knows more about computers than I do in my last year in avionics.

The setback was I was looking for a relationship, that we both did not need, but got a friend. I didn't get exactly what I was looking for, but got a wonderful beautiful gift in return.

We will always have setbacks in life, even with the intentions. Don't stop trying, because you will get there!

Set Backs

I met someone great recently and we talked about so much, we seemed to have a liking to each other, but something with both of us didn't seem to click. The conversation was wonderful, and we both learned a lot from the other on how they handle problems, and I now have some new ammo for my fight with depression, I hope that I gave them some too.

Alas, it did not work.

I was really hoping that I was going to start having a closer relationship with someone and be able to help them in some was, but I was not going to happen. Their "monsters that they are fighting" are very hard for them, and secretly I know that now is not at good time for me to start a relationship that intense because I still have the "monsters" of my own.

I am glad that we are going to be friends, that is greater than a relationship, because there are no pretenses. I learned from my mistakes of being "too intense" which is a plus too. But I am very happy that I have a new friend that knows more about computers than I do in my last year in avionics.

The setback was I was looking for a relationship, that we both did not need, but got a friend. I didn't get exactly what I was looking for, but got a wonderful beautiful gift in return.

We will always have setbacks in life, even with the intentions. Don't stop trying, because you will get there!

Working on a Dream

We all have dreams and goals that we want to obtain. We want to do better for ourselves, we want our children to have it better than we do. We want to reconcile or differences. We want a lot. We want our dreams and goals.

When do we think of others? Sometime helping others can bring us that other things can't. I spent the better part of the afternoon texting and chatting with two people in need. All I was, was a friend who listened and gave some honest advice. We talked for some time. Just being there for someone is all we need to do. It costs nothing and it allows people to let some of their daemons out.

We all want better for ourselves, that is human nature. But, if we give some of that uplifting to someone else, even if that person never repays it to you, they may repay it to countless others. We must hope that the good we do will go farther than what we give. The world may be a better place.

While talking to a friend yesterday, I realized that they had no goals or reasons to leave their room. After talking with them we made the decision not to leave the house and make a snow angel, but to clean the kitchen. Once, this baby step goal was realized, and the realization of having to start somewhere and having to release yourself from the chains that hold you to your routine you can start to become a little happier. Sometimes the goal can be a phone call to a friend for support, or sending me a message. I will respond as soon as I can.

Don't be scared of the side effects of the medication. They may be hard at first, but so was learning to ride a bike. You crashed at first, but you learned, took off the training wheels, and got to a point of going without hands. Life is full of challenges and trials. That is what life is and how it shapes us. Do research on the meds, you all have computers. Just like the tide, fight the meds by not taking them, and you fight the chance to get better. The first, second, third med might not work. I have literally been on them all but the MAOIs. None worked for me, but the neurostar did. I suffered years, and fought the whole way. Don't give up on yourself, and by all means help others as you can. It will make you feel better and give someone advice that just might save them.

Blogger's Block

Yes, I am having blogger's block. I think it is a result of the fight I had with the kitchen counter last night.

(Please feel free to laugh at this, that is what it is for. I awoke and was fine, bruised, cut, and bloody, but ok.)

I awoke after about an hour of sleep and thought it wise to go to the kitchen and get a midnight snack. At this point my legs, stomach, and brain were all in on the idea. I got to the kitchen, stepped over the "girl's gate"{baby gate} (see photo album "the girls" Skylar is the Catahulla blue eyes, Olivia is the crazy black lab). I was wearing my robe, so far so good. The Maple Sugar Life looked good and easy. Bowl check, open cereal box check, pick up box to pour in bowl almost check. I got a little faint. I stopped and placed the box down. Apparently, I had forgotten that I have a foot that has been partially amputated and another that has half of the nerves removed from it and the ankle. I remember turning around and facing the "evil counter". (Up until now that counter has been my friend, maybe it didn't wanted to be woken up? Be careful with sleeping counters.)

The last things I remember before waking up from Skylar nudging my back ie pushing me into my puddle of blood on the floor from both of my profusely bleed nostrils and cut below my right eye was seeing the counter rushing toward my face at an alarming rate. I realized that I was hurt, and with robe on stepped over the gate and into the bathroom. I wet a washcloth and held it forever on my poor nose on the dinning room floor. "God, please allow the platelets to stop my nose." I honestly thought that before falling asleep. He did about ten minuets later. I got up, and not thinking about my injuries proceeded to clean up the crime scene with a white washcloth.

It then hit me, "Mom would be so pissed seeing me use this already blood soaked washcloth to clean up this blood on the floor of the kitchen, counter, hall floor, bathroom floor, sink, and fixtures. So I had the presence of mind to soak it in water in the bowl planned for cereal.

I realized at this point I was no longer hungry and went to lie in bed and wallow in my own stupidity. I awoke to some blood that had seeped from my nose, an upper lip that can not make a smile, (surprisingly very little nose pain, because that stopped most of my downward decent), and to my surprise, a cut going to my right eye and my eyelid a lovely shade of purple and magenta.

Now the war wounds are minor, and I AM FINE! I am glad that it didn't turn out worse and my dog was there to save me.

I hope all that read this get a laugh. I called mom for advice on how to clean up blood, "soap and water". Maybe she didn't get the implication or just didn't want to know. I now have trail mix on the night stand within reach.

Be careful whom you talk to

This post definitely needs to be made for all of us, I wish I did not have such a poignant example: I was having a discussion with my father about Christmas, and the Fourth of July. I was trying to explain that these were very hard days for me, and that I was more depressed and that I would pull away from the family during those times. He looked at me with the "yea right" look. And then I got basically the "Your just using that as an excuse to be an ass."

I told my father at the beginning of this "discussion" that these are times that Brydan's death gets to me, and I pull away. (My son's "Birthday" is July 4th.) One day last year he wanted to make sure that I was going to be at the family's party on the 4th. I had to remind him of what happened that day two years ago. {I could never have this discussion with my mother, because she does not believe that she has \ had a grandchild.} The support from my mother was, "You did not have an affair with a married woman, we taught you better than that, so we know she (my ex) lied to you."

That logic train, in my mind never left the station. (I know how babies are made, I might not know how to spell.)

So, in the course of an apology, I got ridiculed and called an ass. This is from my father, not some random person who does not give a shit about me. Yes, this does hurt, it hurts a great deal, and the relationship I am trying to have with my father just took two steps back.

Almost all of the people on the depression site will not and would never do that. We are here to help each other. We are here to support others. The doctors and therapists, also will support you. They, along with me, might say things you don't want to hear, like leaving your comfort zone. Or, I might tell you to think of what you want to change in your life, and help you make a plan. Then to get up and take that first very hard "baby step". But, as some of you know, if you aren't ready to make that step, I won't tell you to.

Back to choosing who to talk to. Usually, if people realize that you are hurting they will listen. (I learned that some will only listen for so long though.) If you listen to people and take their advice, the less likely they will pull away. But, we all must remember that we are talking about the blackness that fills our souls and the rain cloud that follows us around. These things people find it hard to take. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. People who do not have this suffering don't understand it and can't realize why we can not smile and "snap out of it".

What each of us have is a medical condition that has to be treated. I know the treatments, all of them. After 22 years and numerous doctors, I have been poked, prodded, pilled, pumped, and finally given TMS. (Neurostar) I am thankful for each day that I can help someone, and that is my "baby step" each day.

A Great Day X2

The first great thing that happened is my friend got to go home from the hospital today. Many prayers went out for the speedy recovery and not having surgery. This person has seen me at my worst and didn't give up on me. Everyone needs friends like this!

Secondly, Neurostar contacted me today, and gave me rites to share information on the treatment and my recovery. The process is designed for people with depression that medication is not effective for. www.NeuroStarTMS.com (I am not a representative of the company, or speak for them. Please, send all inquiries to their site)

The treatment is painless and last around thirty minuets a day. I had three or four treatments a week for four weeks and then tapered down over the next four weeks. After about two weeks I noticed an improvement. As the weeks progressed I got happier and happier. By week four I was a new person ten times over.

(Now remember I have been depressed for over two decades. Abilify to Zoloft, Lithium Depacote, Seroquel, I have been on literally everything antidepressive and antipsycotic.)

After the first four weeks, I went against my doctors advice and stopped treatment. About two weeks later I came back and finished the series out. One of the best decisions of my life.

The treatment consists of sitting in a chair for around thirty minuets. No sedation, no pain. A device about the size of two pack of playing cards is placed on your head. It has two magnets in it. Your motor threshold is found with a series of pulses that last for four seconds. You hear the machine, but that is it.

Once the exact spot on the premotor cortex of the brain is located, and you are seated in the chair, the magnetic "box" is placed on your head. Four seconds of pulses, 26 seconds of rest, repeat. The most I felt was slight tingling in my jaw. A small price for freedom.

Now I am not saying that this will remove all the depression receptors in your brain. (My doctor said it was like ECT in "rewiring" the brain, but there is much more to the science and machine than that. And I may need maintenance treatments later). As you know in yesterday's post about being proactively depressed, yes the pain was there when I learned my friend was in the hospital, and Christmas is really hard laying flowers on Brydan's grave.

I will say, if it was not for the TMS treatment, the depression of Christmas would overcome me and the downward spiral would suck me to the place I am hoping to help people from.

I can answer very few questions about the TMS, because I had a treatment designed for me, your treatment may be different in number and length of sessions, Dr's decision.

One problem two solutions

It is amazing how quickly your emotions can change. I am talking about about two types of change. The first is when our minds decide that we don't need to be happy anymore and being depressed is the best thing for us. The second is when we get bad news, especially when it involves someone we love. Even with the differences of these two types of sadness, the fix is similar.

We don't have control over either situation in the beginning. Shit happened and now we need to deal with it. What is the first thing we do, retreat and regroup. That is where we stop when we are depressed. We don't try to move forward, we become stagnant.

Shit happens to a loved one, and we get worried and depressed, the same feelings as before, but we usually get proactive and try to help if we can. If nothing else we will listen and be supportive.

Ironically, we feel better because we socialize and interact with others.

I just got a text that a great friend is in the hospital. (The friends that accept your depression and sticks around. The friends you will jump in front of a train for.) I am now depressed beyond belief. My friend is hurting, and I can't help. There is no way I can fix what they are going through. What I can do is visit my friend, bring them books and food the hospital won't serve.

I am truly hurt hurting for them, but I am doing things that will help me by getting out and living. Not retreating into a dark pit and hating what I am. I am going with the tide and doing what I can. I am making the best of what is available. I am talking to their spouse and praying. I am not running to the hospital or freaking out, just doing what I can. Don't fight what you don't need to.

Anonymous People

Yes, most people are anonymous to us. All the people on the bus, in other vehicles, passing us in the halls. I sometimes think these people are judging me. What I look like, what I am doing, why I am doing what I am. Yea, my self esteem was about as high as a blade of grass is thick. (I have seen grass in Great Brittan, so don't use the excuse that you are using on the trees.) All of these people criticizing me and picking me apart. I don't know these people, but I must make sure I impress them with out them noticing me. {What I just typed does not make a damn bit of sense, but it is true. I basically wanted people to notice me just enough and think positively of me, but not notice me because then I would feel bad. I cared too much about the appearance I made and what others might be thinking. (Now, I never asked these people what they thought, because, then I would have to talk to a stranger.) {I seemed to have a problem here}.

Unless your memory is perfect, if it is you need to be helping humanity not reading the ramblings of me. I can't remember 99.99% of the people that I encounter every day. Ones that don't matter to us, the ones we don't interact with.

Those are the anonymous people in our lives. The people that I use to live my life for, and not for myself. No wonder I felt like shit. I was living for others and not me. I was not doing anything to make myself feel good except getting shit-faced drunk a few times a week. Didn't fell better the next day.

This is one way I was swimming against the tide. I was not living for the person that could help others, I was draining others. I drained most of my friends away. I realize now that they could not handle what I was then. Shit, I gave up on myself the year I lost Brydan. Looking from their perspective I can see how I was a huge drain if they let me, so they didn't and moved out of my life.

I now reach out to those whom others move away from. I know that pain, ok it's not really pain, but something so much worse. I look out for myself now. Even unless I make a huge ass of myself, no one cares. I had an interesting person in line at the fast food counter today. He said that he wants one of thoes burritos with the layers of cheese, and beef, and... he built the burrito with words and turned to me and asked if it looked good. (I trying to hold composure and keep the girl at the counter from laughing). I said, and I quote, "No, it looks like shit!" That got most of the people within thirty feet to stop talking. "I've been a vegetarian for the past twenty years, the beef would make me sick for weeks."

By tomorrow I won't remember that conversation, not for the fact that I talk to random fools in fast food places daily, but because that is an anonymous person whom doesn't matter. (I like that run-on sentence)

Live life for yourself and the people that matter to you. Live life like you want to live. Don't compare your life to those of others, but compare it to the life you want to have and figure out how you want to get there. I don't claim to have all the answers, just my answers. There is more than one way to get through this, and if my answers don't work by all means get someone else to give you theirs. Life is too short to be miserable, and too precious to be hurting.

As I knew, the pain would slowly go away, and it did. I'm not 100% but I keep fighting these isolated feeling and it will work.

I guess now the rest of the acorn can come out. This little seed from such a majestic tree will turn into a reminder for me for the rest of my life. I know that trees all around me that remind me of my Faith. I do realize that Great Brittan is lacking in them, but it is a tree. I am not asking you to only find faith in people with over 1,000,000 euros. Look around and see what brings you happiness. A dog with its head hanging its head from a window cures me of the worst mood.

We need different stimuli to effect us unlike all the "normal" people. The same ones who let their kids run around in public and threaten them with punishment. They grow up to put people down with no fear of the consequences (us). The "normal" people who drive the nice cars and think that when we look at the car we are looking at them. (those people have too much self esteem and think we care about them and their car). The most miserable man I knew was the richest, no one wanted him for his knowledge, but for his money. A shell of a man.

Each of us that reaches out for help knows we need others to help us through something these people could not survive, and those of us who reach out do something that none of these people would do because they won't take the time to understand our situations. It seems to me that we are more human than the anonymous people in our lives. We all have strengths, and the ones that we show to humanity seem to be much better than the anonymous people living superficial lives.

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p.s. I was still hurting today and even into the night when a friend asked me to play cards. playing cards couldn't stop the feeling dragging me down like an anchor.

It did. I started to smile again and feel better about myself and the situation I was in.

I still miss those feelings that she brought me, but I don't allow them to swallow me . I realize that they are there in Brydan and look at my trees, it brings a solace that nothing can take from me. I am going to be fine and the smile will get bigger from this!

misadventure in blogging

This blog, as I had planned involved starting the process. The process of starting to figure what I want to do with my life. The moment when I looked up with teared eyes to find the truth for my life, but yesterday's post about my "whys" got to me in a bad way. It is not that I haven't forgiven my ex, I have. We all have "those" days, and well I still am. It is not nearly as bad as it use to be, but it hurts all the same.

I have been talking to myself a lot in the past two days. The self talk is really helping me remedy the problems that I am giving myself. I am constantly telling myself that I can overcome this and I will feel better again. I do have people who support me. These people don't know of the suffering, but are sitting in this coffee shop. The anonymous people talking and being happy. I am not involved in these anonymous conversations, but I am not at home playing on the computer or watching the reruns on tv.

I forced myself to go out. I forced the anonymous people to look at me and judge me (they don't, shit they don't even see me on my laptop). These feelings that I felt when I was abandoned by my ex and when I knew I would never know my son, all came back.

I was swimming to the shore against the tide. I was swimming with all I had against the tide.

I stopped and thought I was going to drown. I didn't. I just treaded water for a while and took stock of the situation. Still didn't drown. I realized that these feelings were going to be with me for a long time, and in time I would be able to better deal with them.

Now I am swimming with that tide, I can appreciate the stars in the pitch black ocean sky now that I am not struggling with which way to go. The stars are gorgeous. The full moon too.

The feeling that were ripped open in my heart were horrendous, huge blood pumping wounds. I looked at them objectively and knew that I had already overcome the worst that I had ever experienced. I was going to conquer it again, and almost have.

The worst part was that I saw someone that looked like her yesterday after I made that post. That is when it all came back, because I still love her for the love she gave me and how she made me feel. That I know I will never be over.

Baby steps, baby steps. One day at the time. And yes, WE ALL WILL OVERCOME THIS!

The story of the Acorn

While standing over Brydan's (my son)grave (which I did almost every day) and getting angry with God, I felt like I could not go on with life. This was the worst that I had ever felt. "Why did my son die? Why did my ex take drugs that killed him? Why was I not told about her going to the hospital so I could see my stillborn son? Why was I not told about the funeral?" (I have since forgiven her for this, I am serious, she is forgiven.) I was wallowing in my own sorrows for over a year after I knew where Brydan was buried. It took 17 months for me to get that, so I was a little beside myself with, don't know what. 17 months to get closure enough to start getting closure.

One day I looked up from his grave and saw a large Live Oak, a statue of Jesus, and a Water Oak. The live oak was on the left, then going up a slope the four foot statue, then the water oak. The trees were about twenty yards away. I started to talk to the live oak as if it was God. I asked that tree many questions about life and "Why".

More than one time with tears in my eyes I asked "What did I do to deserve this, all the suffering I have had in my life, all the fighting of tide. Why are you doing this to me?" The tree did not answer. Stupid tree I'm talking to you, damn it this is serious. The tree still wasn't talking. One day I asked Brydan the same questions. I then knew in my heart that I was to give the unconditional love that I have for my son and give it to other people, EVERYONE! Maybe the tree wanted me to find the answer, an answer that I could not get from others.

With that answer, I knew that I was not going to fight the grieving and hurting that I live with. I was going to live for my son. This was the first step. I finally felt relief. I was not going to keep bringing my knife, not to a gun fight, but to a world war. I knew I was going to be ok. No more fighting the tide. The war to me is what I think others are thinking about me (kinda asinine). I was not going to worry about others and their problems that did not effect me. I was going to be Dave for the first time, not a worrier of others. (That part is important, because if you are reading this you are probably doing that) What other that I did not, and would never know thought of me did not matter. (There I said it again)

Almost overnight I felt better. And one day I noticed that my face felt funny, ands so did I. Then it hit me, the 17 muscles that I never use were working. I WAS SMILING!!! The more I smile the better I felt, the better I felt the more I smiled. (Another important thing to remember) SMILE. Smile like you just passed gas in an elevator and stepped out.

So that is the story of Faith and Love.

Hope is a fickle old woman that will wait for you and listen with much patience. When you think you have asked the unanswerable question, she will tell you in one sentence what you asked, not always what you want to hear.

She told me (water oak) to stop and look down and see the little acorns that I drop. All I ask in my life is for two of these little acorns to grow to be might oaks like I am. One to replace me, and one to pay it forward. I know what hope is, If I can make a difference in one persons life and they pay it forward, then my work here is done. I almost never know if what I have said or typed is paid forward, so I try do help everyone that needs it and to spread the love my son has entrusted to me. Big job.

Lucky for me, there are many, many, many oak trees in the south. One in my back yard about 30 feet high and 60 feet around. I always have my reminders of Faith (oak trees), Hope (acorn I carry with me), and Love (the feeling in my heart for all who are reading this).

A Journey of a Thousand Smiles

The journey of ten thousand smiles begins with admitting that you can’t swim against the tide, but you can swim with it. This journey began sometime in the eighties when “it” all started. That seems like a good place to begin, but I won’t start there. If you are reading this I guess you think I have some knowledge in suffering, despair, and hurting. I do. I won’t go into that too much. We all know what that is like, and rehashing it serves me no use. I will though, let you in to some of the trials and tribulations that I’ve dealt with.

I am 31, and live in Mobile, AL. The big three (types of abuse) started very early, and the sexual and physical components, thankfully ended quickly, but the emotional still haunts me. I am 99% responsible for that. (Still working on the self talk.) Bipolar II, social and general anxiety disorders, ADHD, dyslexia (hence the crappy spelling), When I was 24 a stitch was left in my right foot. Now, I have 20% of my right foot removed, two screws in the other, a large amount of nerve removal, herniated discs in my back, but that never really got to me. When I found out that my son was dead over a year after my ex left me. I was abandoned and drifting through life for 17 months before I knew where he was buried. I lost all but a few angels of friends. Noone wanted to be around me, or talk to me, I can’t blame them, shit I didn’t want to be around me. Yes, I am even a failure at suicide.

I have suffered, but that is not what I am typing for, I am typing for everyone who reads this.

I found my life from and acorn. I’ll tell that story with pictures another day.

The tide is strong and all powerful. Noone can swim against it. When I realized that I was beating myself up (still do some), I wasn’t getting better. No amount of drugs ever fixed that, I was miserable. Long, long story short, while kneeling over Brydan’s grave I knew that I was going to give my son unconditional love for his entire life, and now I’m going to give that love to everyone I meet. The more love I give the less I feel depressed. Now I smile, all the time! This life change happened in October. ( I was also getting TMS or basically magnetic ECT at the time.)

I have taken my love of helping people, to help me. When I buy a person a meal and talk to them, I help my poor social skills, I help that person who is homeless, and I feel better. It all started with a choice not to fight it any longer and swim with it. I don’t worry about relapsing anymore, because I am happy.

If you will forgive the spelling errors, I will, I will explain this journey in full, if needed, and help someone. I never ask for anything in return, but for each person to pay it forward.