Undeceided

I have been thinking about this post for several days, and well I am no closer to how this is going to turn out then before I thought about the post. This post deals with me opening up to you about me, Dave, just Dave. If you have read any of the prior blogs you might be saying what the hell do you have left to say. How much more shitty was your life? Well, I have said many things about my past. I have not really said anything about my current situation. I have told you many things that I have overcome and dealt with. Well here I go, I am going to try to explain the mind of someone in remission for depression and anxiety.

I have a slight reluctance of going into all of the details, but I have never not been honest on my blogs. I am not going to start now.

For some reason I have started feeling slightly blue. I know that the Neurostar is not usually 100% and maintenance treatments are going to be required, but four months of bliss are well worth it. Also, I will be honest to all, I haven't been perfect with taking my meds exactly as prescribed. By no means am I like I was two years ago when I tried to see if I could end my life. I am just slightly "blue". I am working very hard with the "self talk" when some thought or thoughts come in and try to undermine my wellbeing.

I have been keeping a journal. When something hurts me or causes me to get depressed, I write it down and try to find the cause and effect. "I was ignored while in the line, or skipped over, by the employee who talked to his friend"; "My selfesteem was hurt and I felt like I was unimportant." "I am still hurting because my friend has not talked to me in a few weeks" "They are busy with other things. They have other friends too". I also, don't go out with friends to large places with dance music, because I can't dance, or am just too scared to try. These feelings have gone down almost completely, but they still rear their ugly head every now and again.

What does help me, now that I can, is getting out in public. I do not and can not go everywhere. The social anxiety is still present, but there are a few places that I feel safe. The coffee shop that I am at, a few bars and restaurants that are small and the mtry). I keep the external stimuli low. I am worried about being able to pay for all of my medical bills because I just lost my insurance. I am really loosing hope on my situation when I sit down and look at it. I do not handle stress well, and like most of us push stressors away i.e. bills, obligations like folding clothes, and going out at times with friends. I know that you do these things too, to some degree or other.

What helps me greatly is helping other people. Like I have mentioned many times before, I am very blessed to have something that makes me feel like I can give back. It is nice to feed the homeless with my own money when I can and talk to them. It makes them feel more human. One day when I was down, I feed a man named Larry. I have fed him once before. He asked me what was wrong and talked to me trying to cheer me up. (I felt so humble, it brought tears to my eyes as I left). It does work both ways. And, the help that I give, is not like feeding the homeless with the little money I have. I can see the joy that brings, because I talk to them as we eat. I want each person that I help to "Pay it Forward". I appreciate the thanks, but I do not want it to end with the two of us, but for the Love to be passed on three fold. Please, show the love I have for the World, and all whom read this, Pay it Forward to others. Each of you was a stranger to me at first, but you trusted me, and I you. We grew in that trust and friendship. Each of you has so much to offer. I pray every night that each day I leave the World a better place by the end of the day than it was when I woke.

I do have some friends that I have not talked to since I began these blogs and school. I hope that they read this and know that they are always in my heart and I love them. I want the world to be free of pain and suffering that is needless. I see all the suffering each of you is going through and the despair that consumes you life. If I could take it from you I would. I see no purpose in this type of suffering and pray that each of you find stregnth in my post and hope that the pain will end soon and the joy of living will fill your hearts.