The journey of ten thousand smiles begins with admitting that you can’t swim against the tide, but you can swim with it. This journey began sometime in the eighties when “it” all started. That seems like a good place to begin, but I won’t start there. If you are reading this I guess you think I have some knowledge in suffering, despair, and hurting. I do. I won’t go into that too much. We all know what that is like, and rehashing it serves me no use. I will though, let you in to some of the trials and tribulations that I’ve dealt with.
I am 31, and live in Mobile, AL. The big three (types of abuse) started very early, and the sexual and physical components, thankfully ended quickly, but the emotional still haunts me. I am 99% responsible for that. (Still working on the self talk.) Bipolar II, social and general anxiety disorders, ADHD, dyslexia (hence the crappy spelling), When I was 24 a stitch was left in my right foot. Now, I have 20% of my right foot removed, two screws in the other, a large amount of nerve removal, herniated discs in my back, but that never really got to me. When I found out that my son was dead over a year after my ex left me. I was abandoned and drifting through life for 17 months before I knew where he was buried. I lost all but a few angels of friends. Noone wanted to be around me, or talk to me, I can’t blame them, shit I didn’t want to be around me. Yes, I am even a failure at suicide.
I have suffered, but that is not what I am typing for, I am typing for everyone who reads this.
I found my life from and acorn. I’ll tell that story with pictures another day.
The tide is strong and all powerful. Noone can swim against it. When I realized that I was beating myself up (still do some), I wasn’t getting better. No amount of drugs ever fixed that, I was miserable. Long, long story short, while kneeling over Brydan’s grave I knew that I was going to give my son unconditional love for his entire life, and now I’m going to give that love to everyone I meet. The more love I give the less I feel depressed. Now I smile, all the time! This life change happened in October. ( I was also getting TMS or basically magnetic ECT at the time.)
I have taken my love of helping people, to help me. When I buy a person a meal and talk to them, I help my poor social skills, I help that person who is homeless, and I feel better. It all started with a choice not to fight it any longer and swim with it. I don’t worry about relapsing anymore, because I am happy.
If you will forgive the spelling errors, I will, I will explain this journey in full, if needed, and help someone. I never ask for anything in return, but for each person to pay it forward.
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