Anonymous People

Yes, most people are anonymous to us. All the people on the bus, in other vehicles, passing us in the halls. I sometimes think these people are judging me. What I look like, what I am doing, why I am doing what I am. Yea, my self esteem was about as high as a blade of grass is thick. (I have seen grass in Great Brittan, so don't use the excuse that you are using on the trees.) All of these people criticizing me and picking me apart. I don't know these people, but I must make sure I impress them with out them noticing me. {What I just typed does not make a damn bit of sense, but it is true. I basically wanted people to notice me just enough and think positively of me, but not notice me because then I would feel bad. I cared too much about the appearance I made and what others might be thinking. (Now, I never asked these people what they thought, because, then I would have to talk to a stranger.) {I seemed to have a problem here}.

Unless your memory is perfect, if it is you need to be helping humanity not reading the ramblings of me. I can't remember 99.99% of the people that I encounter every day. Ones that don't matter to us, the ones we don't interact with.

Those are the anonymous people in our lives. The people that I use to live my life for, and not for myself. No wonder I felt like shit. I was living for others and not me. I was not doing anything to make myself feel good except getting shit-faced drunk a few times a week. Didn't fell better the next day.

This is one way I was swimming against the tide. I was not living for the person that could help others, I was draining others. I drained most of my friends away. I realize now that they could not handle what I was then. Shit, I gave up on myself the year I lost Brydan. Looking from their perspective I can see how I was a huge drain if they let me, so they didn't and moved out of my life.

I now reach out to those whom others move away from. I know that pain, ok it's not really pain, but something so much worse. I look out for myself now. Even unless I make a huge ass of myself, no one cares. I had an interesting person in line at the fast food counter today. He said that he wants one of thoes burritos with the layers of cheese, and beef, and... he built the burrito with words and turned to me and asked if it looked good. (I trying to hold composure and keep the girl at the counter from laughing). I said, and I quote, "No, it looks like shit!" That got most of the people within thirty feet to stop talking. "I've been a vegetarian for the past twenty years, the beef would make me sick for weeks."

By tomorrow I won't remember that conversation, not for the fact that I talk to random fools in fast food places daily, but because that is an anonymous person whom doesn't matter. (I like that run-on sentence)

Live life for yourself and the people that matter to you. Live life like you want to live. Don't compare your life to those of others, but compare it to the life you want to have and figure out how you want to get there. I don't claim to have all the answers, just my answers. There is more than one way to get through this, and if my answers don't work by all means get someone else to give you theirs. Life is too short to be miserable, and too precious to be hurting.