misadventure in blogging

This blog, as I had planned involved starting the process. The process of starting to figure what I want to do with my life. The moment when I looked up with teared eyes to find the truth for my life, but yesterday's post about my "whys" got to me in a bad way. It is not that I haven't forgiven my ex, I have. We all have "those" days, and well I still am. It is not nearly as bad as it use to be, but it hurts all the same.

I have been talking to myself a lot in the past two days. The self talk is really helping me remedy the problems that I am giving myself. I am constantly telling myself that I can overcome this and I will feel better again. I do have people who support me. These people don't know of the suffering, but are sitting in this coffee shop. The anonymous people talking and being happy. I am not involved in these anonymous conversations, but I am not at home playing on the computer or watching the reruns on tv.

I forced myself to go out. I forced the anonymous people to look at me and judge me (they don't, shit they don't even see me on my laptop). These feelings that I felt when I was abandoned by my ex and when I knew I would never know my son, all came back.

I was swimming to the shore against the tide. I was swimming with all I had against the tide.

I stopped and thought I was going to drown. I didn't. I just treaded water for a while and took stock of the situation. Still didn't drown. I realized that these feelings were going to be with me for a long time, and in time I would be able to better deal with them.

Now I am swimming with that tide, I can appreciate the stars in the pitch black ocean sky now that I am not struggling with which way to go. The stars are gorgeous. The full moon too.

The feeling that were ripped open in my heart were horrendous, huge blood pumping wounds. I looked at them objectively and knew that I had already overcome the worst that I had ever experienced. I was going to conquer it again, and almost have.

The worst part was that I saw someone that looked like her yesterday after I made that post. That is when it all came back, because I still love her for the love she gave me and how she made me feel. That I know I will never be over.

Baby steps, baby steps. One day at the time. And yes, WE ALL WILL OVERCOME THIS!