Trust

Trust is a funny word and an ambiguous definition: to have confidence or faith in. Well the confidence is kinda straight forward. "I think you will do it." ok, we got that one. What the hell is Faith? I have a view of what it is, and I am sure some of you do also. I think that it has to do with my mission to save the world one person at a time, lets see, three people at a time for about nine months each 12 people every three years,... around 3423.2AD, only if there are no more babies. I can pull this off. No Worries.

I know that trust does not come easy to us. We have been burned too many times, we have been hurt, we have been left, disowned, abused, and looked down on. Yet, when we meet someone that has also suffered as we have we seem to trust a little more. We open up to people we don't know because we have lost all hope and desire to go on. Been there, done that, got not just the tee shirt, but the wardrobe in all the colors. I never learned from my mistakes and trusted the wrong people. I trusted the "normal" people who did not have depression and thought it was all in my head and the meds I was taking F@(%ed me up. I learned that not even my family could be trusted and I pulled away, far away. I am still there to some extent.

We reach out so much, because we are hoping to find someone that understands what we are going through and just someone to lean on. I have looked for that shoulder to cry on so many times that I could, well I did it alot. I had relationships with people that "were not good for me". I thought that my meds would work better with pot, or coke, or alcohol. Nope, that was no the correct choice again. I was getting good at finding the wrong things to do, a pro at erroring.

I am not going to lie that we need someone that we can trust. Someone, not a bottle, plant, or powder, or anything else that we choose. (Cutting counts too.) I know that we all want to jump into the trusting relationship, and that will probably fail in a downward spiral of flames, smoke, and pieces falling off until we hit the ground again and get the energy to go flying again if we ever do. I know patience was NOT a virtue I had, I have learned to slow down and take things one day at a time and just wait.

Summing this ramble up, trust, and trust fully, but do not trust all at once. Trusting all at once is overwhelming to people. I know a lot of us have social anxiety disorder. Get therapy, read books, work with friends on how to react and interact. Have an escape rout out. Work on healing from within. And something that will need much more elaboration, trust yourself that you will get better. There will be setbacks, but, and here is the important part, you have to want to get better. You have to use the energy that you have in you to want to change and work on one thing at a time. Once you want to get better and go with the tide the rest is easier and will come with time.